I can't get to the end of the holiday season without watching It's a Wonderful Life at least three times because it is my all-time favorite Christmas movie! I love George Bailey and all his "silly stupid kids" and it is just not Christmas for me without him. Sometimes I am like George Bailey, and sometimes I need a wake up call to remind me of all that I've got. It is no secret that I long to have children, yet at 43, have still not been blessed in that way. It is a struggle that I have dealt with for a really long time and have experienced much grief around the issue. The holidays are especially difficult because I'm surrounded with the reminder that I don't get the opportunity to experience the story of Baby Jesus, Santa or the Elf on the Shelf with my own little ones. At every turn, I'm surrounded by friends and acquaintances that are blessed in this very way. And I grieve all over again. It is the thing that hangs over my head and threatens my faith much like George Bailey's unsolicited inheritance - Bailey Bros. Building & Loan. Sometimes I'm able to hide the pain, and sometimes I'm not.
But. I didn't say all that to fish for some sympathy. I wrote it because the pain is raw again, and since I've walked this road for so long and because I've learned so much about Who God is, I need to acknowledge it and put it in its proper perspective. If I don't acknowledge it, it is the thing that can set my mind in motion to full on destruction and get me in a terrible place emotionally for a good amount of time...and...going to that place serves no purpose for the common good of me, my family, or anyone who crosses my path. Those are rags that I'm learning to not put back on again in my journey to being clothed in strength.
I also mention it because I know that I'm not alone. I know that there are others who feel this kind of pain every day. Maybe it's not the inability to have children. Maybe it's nothing like that. Whatever it is, it is real and it is valid, and I wholly believe that you (and I) are loved and you (and I) have not been forgotten.
In the movie, George is down and out, and things have gone south, and he sits at a bar and prays. He then encounters Clarence and it gets worse from there and everyone is acting weird and nobody even knows him including his wife and mother. When Clarence asks him why he's bleeding, he says, "I got a bust in the jaw in answer to a prayer." I've felt like George. I've thought many times that my prayers don't matter, but ALWAYS at the end of a season, I've been able to look back and see that God did answer my prayers. Not always has He answered in the way I prayed, but He's always made me well aware that He heard me and His answers have always been for my good. I will not stop praying for what matters to my heart.
It IS a wonderful life. I get to wake up every day to a wonderful husband who loves me; I was placed in two families who would go to the ends of the earth for me; I am surrounded by a plethora of friends who are like family to me; and I am blessed beyond measure.
Acknowledge your pain, give it it's due attention, cry out to God and tell Him how it hurts. And then...go...give your guardian angel his wings!
1 comment:
Love you so much, Aunt De. It IS sometimes very hard to understand God's ways, but you are an inspiration to so many that you continue to love, trust, and live for Him no matter what. Your life is wonderful, and you are a blessing. We pray for you often and love you so very much.
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