New Seasons: Waiting...

Once we decided to move forward, waiting became our cross to bear.  In that time, I found that I'm not so good at it! I realized that was the space in which I needed to learn most about about trust and that waiting, in and of itself, was not a bad thing. It didn't always mean the answer was no.  It is the space, in my life, where the enemy of my soul has always triumphed. It is the space where the battle has always been the fiercest.  It is the space where I have always experienced defeat. 

This time, though, I was still determined to face this battle on my knees and fully dressed in the armor of God. 

Days and weeks went by and we heard nothing. The girl who was having a baby kept not showing up to the Bible study where Katie would tell her about us, and contacting her was not just something we could easily do. Prison was our barrier. (Isn't it always!). So we either had to wait till she came back to Bible study or God was going to have to move a mountain.

We had control over nothing, and the temptation to practice impatience and discouragement was mountainous. After school was out in early June I was at the cusp of waving the white flag, like I have done so many times before, and give up hope. But I remembered my vow...this time I would do it differently. This time, when discouragement knocked on my heart's door, I vowed to answer with Truth.  So I sat down to spend some time in God's word. 

Over the past few years, I have studied a lot. I know the scriptures. I know the stories. I know the principles He calls us to live by.  Studying has become a habit and something I have found crucial to my very existence.  I've realized, though, that victorious living doesn't happen by habit and going through the motions.   And it certainly doesn't make a difference to know it, yet live in fear and defeat. 

One thing I had known for a while was that I was lacking in my prayer life.  I'm not great with expressing myself verbally and really it is just a place where I'm awkward. It wasn't that I didn't believe in the power of prayer...it was just something that had not been developed in my pursuit of victorious living.  Still, I felt God beckoning me to pour out my awkward heart. So I did.

"Here's what is on my heart, Lord.  This baby in Oklahoma that may or may not be born yet. You created him and you created his mom. And I know you have a plan because that's what your Word says. I don't know why this situation has crossed my path and I don't really understand how my husband and I fit in to it. But you do. And Lord, I don't know what to do. And I don't know what you want me to do. Or if you want me to do anything…"

     Call the prison. 

Ummm...what?

     Call the prison.  

     Trust. 

Lord, I'm scared. What do I say?

     Silence. 

Ugh!  He's so bossy sometimes!  And calling a prison is not in my character. It's too scary! What would I possibly say and frankly are they really going to give some chick with a Texas accent any information about an inmate that she doesn't know!  It was tempting to just go with this thought and go about my day instead of what I felt God was telling me to do.

But because I'm doing it differently this time, I did. And as I dialed, I prayed for the person who would answer. 

And to my surprise, the lady who answered listened to my awkward spiel, and like a nurturing mother said, "Honey, you need to write a letter to the mom, and tell her everything you just told me."  She then proceeded to give me the address and inmate number of our girl. 

I know she was an angel because since that day, no one at that prison has been friendly or helpful again. 

So I did what she said. And let me just say that writing a letter to someone to ask if you can have their baby is truly an awkward situation!

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An idle mind is the devil's workshop.

Well…that is putting it mildly!!!  After we wrote the letter to our girl, waiting for a response was excruciating.  In this digital age where we have answers immediately to most everything and have come to need it so, snail mail was less than satisfactory.  It was our only option, though.  So we waited.

And waited.

   And moped.

And waited.

   And cried.

And waited.

   And plead with God.

And waited.

   And cried.

And two weeks later, I opened the mailbox, and a letter from a prison inmate in Oklahoma sat on top of a stack of other less important mail.  I opened it gently.  Haha…just kidding!  I tore into it and sat in disbelief at the message…

Hello.  I received your card in the mail yesterday and wanted to get back in contact with you.  I have recently made plans for my baby and have chosen a family for him.

However.  (Oh…I love however!)

God laid it on my heart to share your card with a good friend of mine who is in the same situation.  She read your card and is definitely interested in giving her baby up for adoption, and she is interested in meeting with both of you soon.  Her baby is due in September.

She then gave us the information we needed and urged us to send a letter to her friend.

Two voices whispered in my ear…

   Don't get too excited…she won't choose you.

and

     I will never leave nor forsake you.

I had a another choice to make.  Which one would I believe?

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June 24, 2013...

"Lord...today is the day she will read our letter.  Please help me today.  I'm a wreck."

My prayer was short and sweet and to the point.  I rose to go about my day, opened Facebook to see what was up with my friends, and this was the first post I saw...

New Seasons: Clarity...

"I'll have to check with Deanna to see if she and Brad would be interested."

As my mom uttered these words my foggy mind struggled to comprehend what she was saying.  And the usual lies flooded my mind, "Don't get too excited. It's probably not going to happen for you this time either."

So I listened as she gave me what information she knew.  We small talked for a bit. I wished her a happy Mother's Day, we exchanged 'I love yous', and hung up. 

Matter of factly and void of emotion, I told Brad about our conversation.  And with the same lack of emotion he replied, "Let's each pray about it and come back together to talk about it in the next day or two."

The normal negative tape replayed once again in my mind..."Good grief...you are pathetic! This is never going to happen for you. Get on with your life and let it go.  And for crying out loud, don't tell anyone about this. You are just going to have to go back to them disappointed like you always have to do."  

So we dropped it. And the next morning during my quiet time I prayed. For wisdom beyond our own. For a peace that passes understanding. For clarity regarding this situation. And for Him to give both Brad and I the same message. 

The previous ten months had been a huge season of learning to trust in God for me, so I also declared my trust in Him and that I was certain that there was nothing that could separate us from His love.  I reminded Him also of many promises He made in His word for those who believe in his Son and call upon His name. I confessed that I was fearful that this is too good to be true and that we have gotten really comfortable with our present situation.  That I wasn't sure I was cut out for this job and truthfully I didn't know if I had really come to the place of contentment or if I had just tried to convince myself that I had. 

Back and forth my prayer went. Rambling out loud to my Savior. 

Silence.

"See...He doesn't hear you and His answer is still no. Get over it."

"He will never leave nor forsake me," was my unusual and new response.  "My God is good and I will start believing the Truth of His Word."  

One thing I've learned from studying scripture is that knowing it does me no good unless I believe it and act accordingly.  So I got up from my prayer time with nothing but determination to do it differently this time, and that every time discouragement knocked on my heart's door, I vowed to answer with Truth.  This time I was determined to face this giant with God's resources instead of my own. 

*****************************

Two days later, I woke up early again before work to start my day in prayer.  I've found that on days I do that, I'm a much more joyful individual.  It's a win-win for everyone! 

I sat down and opened my bible.  Before I could get to the scripture my devotional beckoned me to, two scriptures popped into my mind. 

James 1:27

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.

And...

Psalm 82:3-4

Defend the weak and the fatherless;

uphold the cause of the poor and the oppressed.  Rescue the weak and the needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked.

"Deanna...this isn't about you. Your comfort. Your lifestyle. Your finances. What you are capable of or not capable of. At all. It is about Me. It is about a baby, whom I created and have a plan for.  If I can't use you, I will find someone with a willing heart whom I can use. 

He hears us when we ramble from our hearts. And sometimes...He spells it out. 

New Seasons: Always call Mom on Mother's Day!

Since we made our announcement known that we are adopting a baby, we've had numerous inquiries of the details as to how it's come to be.  We've tried, as best we can, to put it in a nutshell, but if you know my husband and I at all, nutshells turn in to long drawn out stories with more details than the person asking ever wanted.  I've sat down several times over the last few weeks to write this out and have tried each time to make it not so sappy; to give just the facts and details.  Each time I've come up lacking, and in so doing, I've realized that our story really is not our story, and we are not the authors.  The Author is God...and Him alone...and to exclude His part would make it highly inaccurate, skewed, and boring.  He is the only reason it has unfolded the way that it has.  We are just two of His main characters in it.  So, for those of you who are interested in the long version, here's the story He's writing in our life.

************************************

The background...

If you've known me very long you know that I am overly sensitive sometimes. 

Ok...often. 

You also know that I struggle with telling a story and that details confuse me; that I lose the simplest of words and that sometimes I forget what I'm saying or doing while I'm saying or doing it; that I follow rules and that throwing caution to the wind just doesn't happen very often with me. You know the depth of my scars and bruises and that they can easily become my security blanket.  

What can I say...I'm an open book...and if you've known me very long, you probably know more about me than you ever wanted to. 

You also know that despite my deep longing for children, it's never become a reality in my world. And you've seen how much pain that has caused.  Some of you have ached with me. Listened as I wondered out loud "why?"  Cried with me. Advised me. Prayed for me. Reasoned for me. And told me stories of hope in other people's lives. 

And for over fifteen years, I've grown accustomed to this limp I've been called to endure. In that time, much has changed in my life and circumstances...too much to tell.  Too many seasons to describe.  I've changed. My thoughts and views have changed. My heart. My desires. My plans. And 'it' has accompanied me through the journey of it all. But I grew comfortable. Content. Happy and peaceful to stay...right here in this place...holding tightly to this limp with which I walk life's path.  I know how to do it, and it doesn't require much thought or emotion anymore.  Oh it creeps up on me every once in awhile, but nothing a good cry and temper tantrum won't fix.  Bless the man who walks this journey with me!  Love him. 

The only thing that hasn't changed on this journey is God's presence. Often I have ignored Him. Other times I have questioned Him. I have praised and thanked him. I have acted in direct opposition to Him.  And still other times I have thrown a fit and yelled at Him.  His response has never wavered and He has never abandoned me.  Often He has answered with a simple Trust me and on other occasions the truth of His Word has silently comforted my broken heart.  Many times He's allowed the consequences of my own bad decisions to answer for Him.  But every day He has been there...wherever I am...in the pit of despair or on the peak of a beautiful mountain.

Where can I go from your Spirit?

    Where can I flee from your presence?

If I go up to the heavens, you are there;

    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

If I rise on the wings of the dawn,

    if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there your hand will guide me,

    your right hand will hold me fast.

Psalm 139:8-10

And because He's the only one who knows the depths to which my mind and heart have dipped, soared, and pondered, He's also the only one who could have known that a simple phone call to my mom on Mother's Day 2013 would be the first in a chain of events that would lead us into yet another season.

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May 12, 2013 ~ Mothers Day...

This day is hard. Every year. And every year, in the days and hours leading up to Mothers Day, I try to convince myself that "this year it won't be hard. I really think I'm ok and it won't phase me that I am still childless...at 40, 41, 42, 43, 44...".  I just need to make sure I stay off of Facebook and Twitter where everyone I know posts all the wonderful ways in which they are being honored by their children today. And…oh my...don't go to church. There all the moms will be getting some sort of beautiful long-stemmed flower and will be asked to stand so the whole congregation can honor you…while I sit quietly aching to stand, too. Oh...and the store. Don't go to the store. I will be the only female there since all the dads and kids are letting Mom hang out at the spa while they buy the groceries and cards and flowers and what not.  

Yes. This is the year it will be easy. 

And then the sun rises at dawn on Mother's Day. 

My heart is heavy.

The floodgates open. 

And the tears spill out from a place deeper than I knew existed.  Deeper and more painful than last year.  And I don't know why…I mean, I had resolved that I was over it.

I wonder out loud to God,

"Will this ever not be difficult?"

"Will I ever not wonder if You have heard any of my prayers?"

"Will this longing ever completely go away?"

And the enemy whispers his usual reminder,

"No."

"No."

"No…this is never going to happen for you.  Move on."

Then I bury the ache and resuscitate hope.  Hope...that maybe next year it won't hurt quite as badly as it did this time. 

*****************************

I sit on the bed and lean against the headboard. Relieved that this day will soon end, I make a plea to Siri to dial Mom. While she finds the number and rings my parents' house, I realize that Mother's Day 2013 has proven to be no different. This, in fact was not the year it was easy. 

But because I have mastered the art of managing it, I navigated the steps careful to avoid land mines.  I cried. I asked God why?  I searched the scriptures for hope. I withdrew from the world where want and desire loom on the horizon. Yes...the familiarity of it all almost allows me to manage it in my sleep. 

And then I was ok. 

Which is code for numb.  

My mom's voice on the other end snaps me back into the moment. 

I soften at the sound of her voice. Because truly there is no other earthly voice that can soothe my distraught soul than the voices of my mom and dad. 

She's had a good day and recounts to me all that she did and the wonderful ways in which my dad honored her.

"After church and lunch, we went to Courtney's (my niece) baccalaureate and sat behind the Kimbros.  Marian's son is graduating in the same class as Courtney.  And we just started visiting and they asked about you and how you were doing. So I was just telling them a little bit about you and Brad, and I mentioned that you all had never been able to have a baby and was telling them a little bit about how hard that's been.  And then Katie said, "I know of a baby right now that needs a home…"