Rules. I'm so tired of rules yet I'm bound by them. Overwhelmed, yet in desperate need of them. Love and Loathe them. Energized and paralyzed by them. Strangled by and free from them. I don't want them but I SO do. I'm frustrated by those who don't follow rules, yet I long to be like them. And in my attempt to be free from rules, I run right back to them and tether myself to the place where the carrot dangles in my face. Although...I can't seem to get a clear view of what the carrot is or what it promises me once I capture it.
In my quest to understand this battle and this heart and soul God handpicked and strategically placed in me, I so get it one day, and the next day...baffled by the feeling that I'm lost and wandering without a purpose. As my favorite author has said, "no one frustrates me more than me." And that...I get!
My life is currently enveloped in rules and laws, and this is why I'm in such a quandary. I'm in the throws of a bible study in the book of James. If you are familiar with that book of the Bible, then you know that he can stir up some questions and rock your hermeneutics world before you know what's hit you. And for someone who grew up under a doctrine with lots of rules, it should be black and white. But it's not, and I'm being challenged beyond my level of comfort.
The weight of rules doesn't end there.
I'm also in the throws of a 21-day fast. The Daniel Fast. And there's really just one main rule...eat fruits and vegetables...only...and drink water...only...for 21 days. 21 days! That isn't a big deal, right? Right. I mean...I have endured way more difficult circumstances for way longer than that. And I lived; all was well, and the result was much growth.
So I realized yesterday, amidst all the drama going on inside my head, that the two things that should be refining and cleansing me are instead winding me up tighter than the bunny that just keeps going and going and going. I'm in awe at my husband's diligence and self-control while he downs the vegetables meal after meal AND doesn't.complain.at.all!! I'm in awe of the ease at which he delights in bland smoothies morning after morning and his steadfast commitment to see this thing through not once entertaining the thought of...ahem...quitting. It could be that these are a few of the traits in him that propelled him to the top of our high school graduating class and me...well...not at the top of our graduating class! It could be that this...this...is the trait in me that's needing to be tended to. A trait that factored in to God's decision to make Brad my husband. (Because I have learned that He will use our spouse when needed as a mirror to reflect changes that need to be made in us)!
Dang! So the thing about rules and laws is that they just show me how not together I truly am. And what I have discovered in the writing of this blog post is that in both of my 'thorns' I have made me the priority, and that I'm so distracted by the rules and what I'm being deprived of that there's no room for the refining and cleansing to take place.
And...
I have a choice in it all. I can close the book of James with the declaration that it's just too hard and I'm never going to understand it and move on to a feel-good study; and I can take this 21-day fast and place it on the shelf and drown my sorrow of defeat in a toffee nut latte...
or...
I can get up and take my self out of the equation. Embrace the opportunity I have before me to 'do it differently this time'. And look forward to the day when I will be refined and cleansed with the credentials to encourage others who, at some point, will need to persevere. I mean...His blessings on us are meant to be shared and not kept to ourselves. Right?
Friends...this is who I am without Him...a whiny, drama-y, spoiled, and unmotivated quitter. If I get through these things, it will absolutely be by the power of Christ that lives in me...and nothing...I mean...nothing...to do with me.
Oh...and just so you know...if I happen to engage you in a conversation about how hard I have it right now, just know it is a ploy to get permission to quit. Don't be deceived into feeling sorry for me. I have abundantly more than I need!!
Amen.
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