Once we decided to move forward, waiting became our cross to bear. In that time, I found that I'm not so good at it! I realized that was the space in which I needed to learn most about about trust and that waiting, in and of itself, was not a bad thing. It didn't always mean the answer was no. It is the space, in my life, where the enemy of my soul has always triumphed. It is the space where the battle has always been the fiercest. It is the space where I have always experienced defeat.
This time, though, I was still determined to face this battle on my knees and fully dressed in the armor of God.
Days and weeks went by and we heard nothing. The girl who was having a baby kept not showing up to the Bible study where Katie would tell her about us, and contacting her was not just something we could easily do. Prison was our barrier. (Isn't it always!). So we either had to wait till she came back to Bible study or God was going to have to move a mountain.
We had control over nothing, and the temptation to practice impatience and discouragement was mountainous. After school was out in early June I was at the cusp of waving the white flag, like I have done so many times before, and give up hope. But I remembered my vow...this time I would do it differently. This time, when discouragement knocked on my heart's door, I vowed to answer with Truth. So I sat down to spend some time in God's word.
Over the past few years, I have studied a lot. I know the scriptures. I know the stories. I know the principles He calls us to live by. Studying has become a habit and something I have found crucial to my very existence. I've realized, though, that victorious living doesn't happen by habit and going through the motions. And it certainly doesn't make a difference to know it, yet live in fear and defeat.
One thing I had known for a while was that I was lacking in my prayer life. I'm not great with expressing myself verbally and really it is just a place where I'm awkward. It wasn't that I didn't believe in the power of prayer...it was just something that had not been developed in my pursuit of victorious living. Still, I felt God beckoning me to pour out my awkward heart. So I did.
"Here's what is on my heart, Lord. This baby in Oklahoma that may or may not be born yet. You created him and you created his mom. And I know you have a plan because that's what your Word says. I don't know why this situation has crossed my path and I don't really understand how my husband and I fit in to it. But you do. And Lord, I don't know what to do. And I don't know what you want me to do. Or if you want me to do anything…"
Call the prison.
Ummm...what?
Call the prison.
Trust.
Lord, I'm scared. What do I say?
Silence.
Ugh! He's so bossy sometimes! And calling a prison is not in my character. It's too scary! What would I possibly say and frankly are they really going to give some chick with a Texas accent any information about an inmate that she doesn't know! It was tempting to just go with this thought and go about my day instead of what I felt God was telling me to do.
But because I'm doing it differently this time, I did. And as I dialed, I prayed for the person who would answer.
And to my surprise, the lady who answered listened to my awkward spiel, and like a nurturing mother said, "Honey, you need to write a letter to the mom, and tell her everything you just told me." She then proceeded to give me the address and inmate number of our girl.
I know she was an angel because since that day, no one at that prison has been friendly or helpful again.
So I did what she said. And let me just say that writing a letter to someone to ask if you can have their baby is truly an awkward situation!
*****************************
An idle mind is the devil's workshop.
Well…that is putting it mildly!!! After we wrote the letter to our girl, waiting for a response was excruciating. In this digital age where we have answers immediately to most everything and have come to need it so, snail mail was less than satisfactory. It was our only option, though. So we waited.
And waited.
And moped.
And waited.
And cried.
And waited.
And plead with God.
And waited.
And cried.
And two weeks later, I opened the mailbox, and a letter from a prison inmate in Oklahoma sat on top of a stack of other less important mail. I opened it gently. Haha…just kidding! I tore into it and sat in disbelief at the message…
Hello. I received your card in the mail yesterday and wanted to get back in contact with you. I have recently made plans for my baby and have chosen a family for him.
However. (Oh…I love however!)
God laid it on my heart to share your card with a good friend of mine who is in the same situation. She read your card and is definitely interested in giving her baby up for adoption, and she is interested in meeting with both of you soon. Her baby is due in September.
She then gave us the information we needed and urged us to send a letter to her friend.
Two voices whispered in my ear…
Don't get too excited…she won't choose you.
and
I will never leave nor forsake you.
I had a another choice to make. Which one would I believe?
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June 24, 2013...
"Lord...today is the day she will read our letter. Please help me today. I'm a wreck."
My prayer was short and sweet and to the point. I rose to go about my day, opened Facebook to see what was up with my friends, and this was the first post I saw...
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